Life According to Spider-Man 2

When you create superpowerful mechanical extending arms with minds of their own that you are going to physically attach to yourself, do not place the electronic chip that protects your own brain onto the unit without shielding it with something, no matter how cool and glowy it looks.
Okay, so, one time? I built my own set of superpowerful mechanical extending arms but not because I was going to try to “hold the sun in my hands,” but more because it was a really cool science project that guaranteed I’d get an A, right? And, yes, I also created these sort of artificial intelligence brains that I put in them and, okay, they were sort of, you know, evil…. not, like, Darth Vader evil, more kind of Pete the Puma evil, right?
Anyway… so, yeah, okay, when I attached them I ended up throwing some of the other kids around, but they totally deserved it! Okay?


· When you are appearing in a major motion picture, do not wash your hair using Ajax Cleanser, or Bon Ami, or anything that will make it look like dead grass.
Who, tell me, please, Hollywood, was in charge of Kirsten Dunst’s hair? I mean, I could not not look at it. In any scene where she appeared, my eyes were instantly drawn to that rat’s nest of fly-away tangles on top of her noggin! She looked like a witch.
To be fair, when she was wet, she looked like a drowned rat. And this was actually the best that she looked in the whole film.
Then there’s the scene in the cafe where the car comes in through the window–I’m not spoiling anything because this entire scene was one of the film’s trailers–and her hair, yes, needed some conditioner and there was a lot of, like, emoting happening so maybe it was just me who noticed that she was wearing my grandmother’s crocheted potholder on her head.
Or maybe not.
· Peter Parker could use some therapy. All right, a lot of therapy.
Maybe it was just the way Tobey played the guy, but in every scene Parker’s eyes are welling up and he’s right… on… the edge. The slightest push and he’d crumble into a wet, soggy pile of sobbing nothingness.
Sure, he cops a couple of bad days. On this one, his best friend slaps his face in public and calls him a liar or something, and then the girl he loves announces she’ll be marrying this really boring astronaut with a huge, huge, huuuuuge… chin. Those aren’t the happiest of circumstances.
Plus, okay, he blames himself for the death of his uncle. And his best friend’s father. Whom he actually did sort of half-accidentally kill. And it looks like his friend could use 12 steps and Parker might want to join Al Anon. And he can’t keep a job. Or a girlfriend. And he’s failing in school.
So, okay, a few problems.
But, God man, get a grip! C’mon, I managed to make it through my entire life never feeling a thing that was happening to me! And do you see me tearing up on the street? No you do not. Because I save up that shit for when I’m all alone in the darkness of my pathetic little apartment. Like everyone else. Little baby.
· When you become a superhero, along with superstrength and webbing and great eyesight and a sixth sense, you also develop an amazing capability to make a kick-ass costume with rubber inserts and eyes by Oakley even though you cannot afford a meal.
Yeah, yeah, I know he had this in Spider-Man 1, but I had to ask myself–where the hell did he get that suit? I mean, did he sew that himself? A seamless seamstress? And then where did he get the rubber web overlay? It’s not something they have lying around at Sears. Or maybe it is. Do you know how long it’s been since I stepped inside Sears?
And it keeps getting all ripped apart and melted and whatnot, you see him washing it with his whites… at a laundromat! And yet he repairs it and it looks all snazzy and hugs his tight little butt so he can show it off in train windows and all.
But the guy’s starving for treats at parties, so I have to ask: Where did that suit come from?
· Astronauts are boring.
She’s marrying the guy… why? We’ve all had a little arm candy in our life now and again. Good-looking guys are a dime a dozen (in San Francisco (if you’re gay (and hang out at gyms))). And, sure, astronaut. I mean, unless you’re a superhero with superhuman powers, an astronaut is about as sexy as you can get, careerwise.
And he looks like he knows how to kiss upside-down, so that’s handy, believe you me. You can find yourself in some really tricky and interesting positions when you’re….
But enough about me.
He doesn’t get much screen time, that’s true, and we have to take it at his word that he’s an astronaut since he never wears anything vaguely astronaughty (no matter how hard we click our heels) but he so… dull. So… nothing. So… (shrug) worthy.
She wants to marry him?
· Being a superhero is not all it’s cracked up to be, except that it is, but really it isn’t, except sometimes, but hardly ever, and then again….
When you think about it, Spider-Man is kind of a dumb superhero. I mean, he’s a human spider, right? And spiders are creepy and ugly and no one really enjoys having them around. Me, I’m constantly freaked out by even the tiniest spider and will kill it first chance. So if I were planning on being a superhero and I was presented with a list of creatures I’d want to emulate, it probably wouldn’t be a spider.
On the other hand, if I chose something a little more noble, like Dogman, then where would that leave me? Licking my balls, sure, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But the whole eating my own vomit and sniffing other butts and pissing all over everything–I’m thinking these are not going to endear me to the general public. Then my vulnerability is a rolled up newspaper, so there’s goes my time in the spotlight, trying to foil some bank robbers and all they do is hit me on the nose with the Sunday Times and, wham, I am out of there with my new tail between my legs.
Horseman? So, people ride me and I’m constantly breaking my leg?
Antman! Ants are super strong for their size and they talk with their feelers, which is sort of interesting. And… they… rip apart other insects. And… uh… hmm.
Beeman! Like on The Simpsons! I could speak Spanish fluently and I could, like, fly and shit. And make honey. Or is that just the female bees? So I just spend my time waiting around for the Queen to dial me up? Is that all there is to this superhero business?
And do I get the Tobey amazing body treatment from the first movie? I wake up one morning all buff and ripped and no longer need buy Baush and Lomb to soak my lenses overnight? Is that part of the deal? Or do I keep paying my trainer to get that body? What happens if I get a lot stronger but look exactly the same! That’s not fair! I want the comicbook body! I want it all!
I’m Hamsterman, baby! Fear my chittering wrath!

July 8, 2004

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