Funny Things I Have Said To “Famous Bloggers”…

…That The “Famous Bloggers” Did Not Find Funny At All

Anil Dash

Me: Anal?
Anil: No, it’s Anil.
Me: Anal?
Anil: A kneel.
Me: Anal?
Anil: Very funny.
Me: Anal?
Me: Anal?
Anil: It isn’t like that’s very original.
Me: Is it… Anal? It’s Anal, right? Anal?
Anil: You can stop that any time.
Me: Anal?

Jason Kottke

Me: I just don’t get why your site is so popular. I mean, really, why is it so popular?
Jason: (shrug)
Me: No, really. I’m interested. I mean, who gives a flying bloody fuck about your opinion about, like, black holes or some shit?
Jason: I don’t know.
Me: You must have some idea, Jason. Honestly, I’m quite perplexed. I mean, okay, so, anyone could just go off on black holes or whatnot on their page and, you know, bitch about The Matrix sequel and whatever, and yet when you do it, it’s like… historical or something! What is that?
Jason: I don’t know, Lance.
Me: Jason, don’t be coy. Are you paying people? Is that it? Do you pay people for links? Because I’d totally accept money from you.
Jason: No.
Me: Because when you look at the site… what is it? Where’s the “there” there? Sure, you update it frequently and shit, but a lot of times it’s like, hello? So what? Really, Jason, so what?
Jason: I’m going out.
Me: I’ll come with!

Choire Sicha

Me: Choir E?
Choire: Shut the fuck up, bitch.
Me: Is it… Choir? E?
Choire: Say my name! Say it! Say it!
Me: Um. Choy. Ur. Yur? Choy Yur? E?
Choire: Oh, look at you with your Prada shoes and your San Francisco hair trying to be all in my face with attitude you borrowed from your MOTHER! Your MOTHER!
Me: Wait. What?
Choire: Never mind. Let’s go get some waffles!

Heather Champ

Me: So, I go take a picture of myself in a mirror?
Heather: Any mirrored surface.
Me: So, I’d do that why exactly?
Heather: Because it’s fun!
Me: So, how is it fun?
Heather: It just is! There’s mirrors everywhere!
Me: So, then I’d give you this picture of me?
Heather: Yes.
Me: So, in a mirrored surface?
Heather: Yes.
Me: So, and, this is for, like, art?
Heather: Are you trying to be cute?
Me: So…

Nick Denton

Me: My God, your head is huge!
Nick: Security!

Brad Graham

Me: You’re gay?!?
Brad. Hello?
Me: No shit! Gay? You’re gay?
Brad: Earth to Mary.
Me: Gay? Really? Oh my God, go… go kiss that guy over there.
Brad: Him? So not my type. Can I kiss you instead?
Me: Wait. What? You think I’m gay?
Brad: Honey.
Me: I am so not gay. You think I look gay? Do I sound gay?
Brad: Shut up and pucker.

Matt Haughey

Me: I would like to fuck your wife.
Matt: Wait, aren’t you gay?
Me: Wait. What? You think I’m gay?
Matt: Honey.
Me: I am so not gay. You think I look gay? Do I sound gay?
Matt: Shut up and bend over.

Ernie Something Or Other

Me: Hi, we’ve never met. My name is Matt Haughey.
Ernie: You’re not Matt Haughey.
Me: Yes I am. I am totally Matt Haughey.
Ernie: Okay Matt, how would I pass a variable to create a link in Cold Fusion so that every page on a Web site would build according to a templated ID?
Me: Wait, did I say Matt Haughey? I’m sorry, I mispoke. My name is Jason Kottke.
Ernie: Oh, really? Okay, Jason, what does Meg look like naked?
Me: She’s very thin.
Ernie: Oh my God! Hey everyone! It’s Jason Kottke!

Meg Hourihan

Me: Meg, what do you look like naked?
Meg: Why the hell do you care?
Me: Oh, no reason. I was just curious.
Meg: But… you’re gay.
Me: Wait. What? You think I’m gay?
Meg: Please.
Me: I am so not gay. You think I look gay? Do I sound gay?
Meg: Shut up and go help Jason find an adequate facial moisturizer.

Cory Doctorow

Me: Choir E?
Cory: Beg pardon?
Me: Is it… Choir? E?
Cory: I’m not following.
Me: Um. Choy. Ur. Yur? Choy Yur? E?
Cory: Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?
Me: Chor. Chor. Yurrie?
Cory: Does anyone here speak Farsi?

Jason Kottke

Me: No, c’mon, tell me why.
Jason: Shut up.
Me: Pleeeease? Pretty please?
Jason: Go away.
Me: I just don’t get it, am I the only one? Am I wrong here? Am I the one taking crazy pills? Does anyone else here see it? I’m right, aren’t I? I mean, there’s just no justification at all! Right?
Jason: You’re such a dick.
Me: Are you calling me gay?
Jason: You are gay.
Me: I’ve seen Meg naked.
Jason: She’s thin.
Me: Yes. Yes, she is.
Jason: But a good kind of thin.
Me: You’re talking to the wrong guy. I’m gay.
Jason: You’re gay?
Me: How would you pronounce this?
Jason: Choir-E? I guess?
Me: Apparently not.
Jason: Hmm. (shrug)
Me: And did you know his name isn’t Anal?
Jason: Whose name?
Me: Anal. It’s really Anal.
Jason: You mean Anil?
Me: Anal?
Jason: No, Anil.
Me: Anal?
Jason: No. Listen. A-kneel.
Me: Anal?
Jason: Shut up and bend over.

September 15, 2003

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