The Death of Hamsters

In deference to President Bush’s publicly stated worries concerning the fate of humanity should, gasp, homosexuals be allowed to marry, I thought I would point out just a few of the things that shall surely come to pass if such a horrible, ungodly, menacing action truly occurred. Sure, Canada can marry off anyone it wants to. Next week they’ll probably decide that moose can marry, because that’s where this madness all leads! If two men can marry, than anything can!
But I’m getting ahead of myself. So here, in no particular order, are the reasons why President Bush is correct in his drive to outlaw the marriage of anyone who is not 100% heterosexual and, I think it goes without saying, completely faithful and married only for the procreation of the species.

  1. Homosexual marriage will lead to the extinction of humanity. I think this is probably the most obvious reason. Once the United States gives its seal of approval for gay marriage, it suddenly and coincidentally also gives its seal of approval on the whole gay lifestyle. Anyone who was afraid of being gay before will realize that there’s nothing standing in their way, now! They can wear all those fabulous clothes they always wanted to! They can hold the hand of that guy or girl they always felt all melty about — in public! And I think it’s clear that everyone really wants to be gay, otherwise this wouldn’t be an issue. The President wants to be gay. Falwell, Buchanan, Schlaffley, the entire Southern Baptist church… all gay. And once everyone’s gay and just having sex “for fun,” well, there goes the whole egg and sperm club. We’re fucked, but only if no children result of course.
  2. Children will join gangs, buy guns, become cannibals and start practicing bestiality with the family pets. Gay marriage means one thing: Freedom. We all mouth platitudes about “the price of freedom,” and “the value of freedom,” but what we really mean is “the value of having the government dictate exactly what we may and may not do, and when, and with whom. And not using birth control. And pretending there’s no such things as condoms, only abstinence. And not thinking about it. And not feeling all a’tingliy down under when someone we are interested in, but not interested in having children with, looks our way.” But, golly, that’s an awful lot to consider, so the other phrase works in a pinch.

    But what that all means is that once the children realize that we, as adults, are being allowed to make our own decisions and think for ourselves and love whomever we want, they’ll want their own total, unlimited, unfettered, ungoverned personal lives! It’ll be chaos! Because how can we possibly tell children what they may and may not do when we’re doing whatever the fuck we wants! It’ll be anarchy!

  3. Prisons will be filled with outlawed heterosexual couples who refuse to wed. Once we homos are allowed to marry, there’ll be a sudden rush by the few remaining heteros who will feel as if they’re being trampled underfoot to marry any other hetero they find. Those that do not wish to marry will therefore be punished to the fullest extent of the law for not doing their part to procreate and guaranty that this planet is overrun with garbage-producing, heavily-polluting, SUV-driving Republicans.

    (Note: Democrats aren’t any better than Republicans in my opinion as an apathetic non-registered voter, but I think it’s safe to say that one of President Bush’s priorities, as a Republican, is to make more Republicans. More Democrats, though not necessarily a problem for our beloved ruler as long as he keeps bombing the shit out of countries where we can go in and liberate their oil and keep his polling numbers up, would be less advantageous in the long run when Vice President Satan decides to run.)

  4. Hamsters will become an endangered species, just like humans. It’s a well-known fact that gay men love sticking hamsters up they asses. I can vouch that there is nothing as comfortable as a small, clawed rodent the size of a light bulb stuck up your behind, squirming and gnawing and gouging its way around your rectum. What isn’t as well known is that the hamsters require this. In the wilds of Borneo, hamsters will seek out any available ass and crawl inside and remain there until it has decided through some mysterious set of circumstances, like how monarchs find their way to Mexico and poodles end up with all those puff balls all over their bodies, to crawl back out. But hamsters are now all but extinct in the wild, and the absence of gay male asses to use, since they will now legally be married and otherwise engaged, means the inevitable death of the species.
  5. The entire political structure of the world will collapse. This one’s a little bit harder to logically set up, so bear with me. The world is a fucked up place, I think we can all agree. And there’s all sorts of government structures out there; democracies, dictatorships, monarchies, and the league of flying monkeys just to name the big four. On the surface, it would appear they have little in common other than the desire to rule a whole lot of people and make them all do the same thing, whether that’s waste natural resources and eat themselves into lard-bloated deaths or bow down and worship statues of rifle-toting madmen (and, really, what’s the difference?) — but there is one thing on which every installed government agrees: homosexuality is wrong, wrong, wrong and icky. Now, lots of countries look to the U.S. for guidance about how they should behave. England, for example, and several South American countries who basically owe us their first born children. If we suddenly suggest that being gay is just as normal and ordinary and ‘no big whoop’ as not being gay, well, there goes the neighborhood! Next thing you know, people will start thinking for themselves! And we can’t have that.
  6. The Catholic Church will fall. We all know The Pope has a direct line to God and speaks for him. I’m not Catholic myself so I’m unsure about how that actually works. I like to imagine that he has a secret little room off his lavatory, like he turns the toilet paper roll just so and a panel opens by the medicine cabinet and he shambles through there and there’s, like, a solid gold phone with no buttons on it and he picks it up whenever and God’s on the other end just babbling on and on endlessly and The Pope picks up a word here, a phrase there, a damnation thrown in for good measure, and so on. He’s frantically scribbling down everything he can and maybe, occasionally, he gets something a little bit wrong but in the long run, the Catholics don’t mind. They can always correct it in the rewrites.

    At any rate, The Vatican recently issued an edict or a suggestion or a term paper or something that agreed wholeheartedly with our President’s desire to limit marriage only to those willing to raise a gaggle of children and never, ever, ever divorce or cheat or whatever, something something, and what would happen if we didn’t listen to what The Vatican says? I mean, that’s what The Pope heard on his gold toilet phone! God will be muy muy pissed off, like he was during the whole torture and maim phase, and then there was the appease the Nazis phase, and let’s not forget the “women’s bodies actually belong to us” thing.

  7. The Hollywood Entertainment Machine stops dead. We all know that everyone in Hollywood is gay. Every last one of them. I mean, hello, they’re actors! Of course they can look convincing kissing the opposite sex. But, c’mon, you and I both know that no self-respecting heterosexual worth their Keds would ever want to sing in public, or act, and never ever dance! Have you seen them dance? My God, it’s hilarious. Anyway, if gay marriage is allowed, the whole thin veil of heterosexuality in entertainment disappears. Men kissing men. Women kissing women. It’s all be gay, gay, gay. And if you’ve ever be subjected to gay entertainment, you know what a disaster that’ll be.
  8. If we allow gay couples to marry, the next logical step is to allow animals to marry. Maybe you thought I was kidding about the Canadian moose, but friends, I am not! If we allow two men to marry—and please consider that there is no reason on God’s green and gentle and landmined Earth why two men should even want to marry since the only possible reason to get married is to put more babies in the world to grow up to be people who get married to put more babies in the world who grow up to get married… you see my drift, I’ll stop there. Anyway, I was making some sort of point earlier. It was something about moose and men and landmines… Oh, yeah! So, if we allow two men to marry, why not two kitties? Yeah! That’s right, I’m talking cats marrying! It’s insanity! And that’s what happens immediately following legally sanctified gay marriage! And then you realize what’s next, right? It’s me and a cat at the alter! Me and Paris, because I love her, so why shouldn’t I marry her?

    You’re asking yourself, “Where does it all end?” It doesn’t! Don’t you see? It’s a conspiracy by those Right To Wed Furniture people! What about the children?!?!

    Know what else I love? Nachos! I’m going to marry nachos! With bacon! Because I love bacon! I’m going to marry it! Because I can because two men can get married so, whoa, there goes logic out the door! It’s probably off to marry carpeting! Or bowling trophies! Or cancer! See? See? Cancer! Cancer will be able to marry anyone it wants, so we’re all dead! There! Happy now? You selfish gay gayer gays? Cancer!

Those are just a few of the reasons, ladies and ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen that we cannot get married. Not now, not ever. Imagine a world like that, where people—just because they’re in love—are allowed to legally proclaim their love by joining together in a union of matrimony! Imagine a world where no one cares what you’re doing in the privacy of your bedroom! Where anyone, anyone can just wander down the street holding hands!
Our national nightmare has just begun.

August 2, 2003

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