The Gay Agenda, Part 1
Day of Choosing
(Author’s Note: “The Gay Agenda” will be posted out of order. Just like Creamaster, only I don’t have Matthew Barney’s abs.)
Attention please! Hello! Settle, please? Settle? Find a seat. Settle. Welcome to Sexual Orientation Orientation Day at James Curran Senior High School. We have two guests today who will talk to you about this Day of Choosing, its meaning and importance, some of the decisions you’ll need to make today as well as information about each of the Orientations available to you.
“I’m sure by now… Mr. Simmons? Something you’d like to share with everyone? Thank you. As I was saying, by now you’ve probably spoken to older siblings, parents, relations, upper classmen or perhaps models of sexual orientationhairdressers, construction workers, auto repairmen, interior designers or one of our theatre majorsregarding your choice today. I’m sure you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, confused, perhaps scared and some of you may feel resentment about having to make this choice now before you’re sexually acti… calm down! There’s no call for that, now. Sexual activities do sometimes start prior to your choosing, and you may feel confident that any activities you may have already experienced will make today’s selection easier for you, but I hope you’ll still listen attenti.. ATTENTIVELY! To our guests.
“Our first guest for Sexual Orientation Orientation Day is Mr. Leonard Smith representing the Heterosexual World Order, sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, The Boy Scouts of America, The Salvation Army and Coca Cola Bottling of Dallas, Texas. Please open your hetero bags now if you haven’t already and Mr. Smith will explain the tools and pamphlets for you. Please welcome Mr. Smith.”
“Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you and a happy Sexual Choosing Day to you all. First, let me say that I am not here to tell you that choosing to be a heterosexual human being does not make you automatically better than the homos. Your sexuality, as I’m sure my collegue will agree, does not necessarily color your other personality traits, however some career and personal choices you make are directly associated with your sexual orientation choice.
“Does everyone have their heterosexual marketing material? It’s in a gray box labeled heterosexual marketing material. It should be under your seat. If you don’t have one, please raise your hand and one of the heterosexual marketing aides will deliver one to you immediately. Thank you. Let’s get started, then.
“As your principal, Mrs. Lackey, stated earlier, some of you may already have experimented with your sexuality. This is normal and part of growing up. However, I would ask you to set aside, for the moment, those experiments while I and my homosexual friend speak to you this morning.
“First, heterosexuality means that you can only have sex with those whose actual sex is opposite your own. To some, this is a confusing concept, so let me explain that sexual orientation and sexual being are not the same thing. Heterosexual males may only have sexual relations with females. I see some of you are already anxious to ask questions, and I think I can answer some of them quickly. No, your partner does not have to be heterosexual as well, but they must be of the opposite sex. Girls, that means guys only. Okay?
“Secondly, sexual conduct means any form of physical contact that derives pleasure of a sexually stimulating nature. So it isn’t just penetration, per se. Petting, kissing, carressing, hugging, touching in any manner and some forms of visual contact are also considered sexual conduct and from here on out, as a heterosexual, you must only engage in these situations with members of the opposite sex. You are still allowed to look at others of the same sex, and touch them as well, but only if you are both engaged in sports, and that does not include erotic wrestling. High fives, handshakes, even the occasional butt slap is acceptible but use extreme caution when touching any part of the anatomy of those of the same sex as yourselves.
“Now then, the duties of the heterosexual are many. Primarily, you absolutely must procreate. Sexual acts do not necessarily have to be done as a means to that end, but we’d certainly prefer it. It’s also important that you consult and memorize the guide to accepted media listed in the glossary. You’ll note that it’s a rather inclusive list, and we’re very proud of that. Heterosexuals are a very includive order, with the exception of including homosexuals, naturally.
“Now, the contents of your HeteroBox are varied and important. The “Say It Loud, I’m Straight & I Can’t Rhyme” button I wear on my lapel is included, along with some festive balloons in non-gay colors imprinted with heterosexual sayings such as “The transmission fluid is cloudy” and “Please don’t touch yourself.”
“When you’re making your choice, you need to ask yourself a couple of important questions. Number One, ‘Am I more likely to be able to successfully couple with someone as a heterosexual or a homosexual?” The answer is obviously hetero. Men, look around you. You see other men, and you see women. Discount all the men immediately. Look at the variety left to you, and how easy it was to tell the difference between a potential mate and a potential best friend. If you are still debating becoming a homosexual, eliminate the females of teh audience, consider the males, but remember that, if percentages hold true during this choosing session as they have since sexual choosing began, only 10% of the other men are likely candidates. For the women, those numbers are about the same. That’s saying something!
“Next, gentlemen, you must ask yourself, ‘Do I really want to spend all that time in clothing stores when I could be attending sporting events, watching TV or washing my car?’ Ladies, you should ask, ‘How comfortable would I be riding a motorcycle when I could be shaving my legs, planning a big holiday dinner or worrying about my fingernails?’ I think you’ll find the answer pretty easy.
“I see my time is almost up, but I will be here all day to answer questions and hand out some pamphlets, including “Het Like Me: A Beginner’s Guide to the Heterosexual Lifestyle” and “Working With the Right Tools: Why the Penis and the Vagina Belong Together.” Thank you very much!”
“Thank you, Mr. Smith, for that enlightening and important talk. I saw some of you rolling your eyes during Mr. Smith’s presentation and I feel I must emphasize again the importance of today’s exercise. Your sexuality is a choice, ladies and gentlemen. A very important one! Whether you choose to be straight or non-straight, you have to understand all the implications and responsibilities of that choice. I am not here to advocate one sexual orientation over another, even though I am personally straight as an arrow and would never even consider selecting to be otherwise, but we each need to make that decision for ourselves and a mistake at this stage of life will be very costly. Sexual re-orientation is expensive, time-consuming and has very dramatic ramifications for any family members or friends you may have later on. If you’re going to be gay, then for God’s sake act like it!
“With that, I’d like to introduce Lance Arthur, who is here representing the Homosexual Alliance, sponsored by Skyy Vodka, Audi, Kiehl’s Since 1851 and Prada Sport. Mr. Arthur?”
“Hi! My name is Lance and I’ll be your official faggot today. It’s always a pleasure to come to these little gatherings and speak to all you fresh-faced, eager little people with your lack of discretionary income, your bandwagon ethics and your poor social interrelationships. But enough about Mr. Smith.
“I’d like to start out by explaining that you will similarly find a marketing kit for the Gay Agenda somewhere in the vicinity of your chair. I wish we had the charming idea to include some balloons and keychains and… what was it, Leonard? Buttons? Oh my word. Well, unfortunately no such playful trinkets will you find inside the brushed aluminum boxes thoughtfully provided by our friends at Audi, who are apparently overflowing with the stuff since most people seem to prefer their TT’s painted. Who knew?
“At any rate, all we can offer is a gift certificate good for one free all-body massage at The Michael Soldier Spa and Erotic Emporium, a guidebook to New York’s finest discount Italian clothing boutiques, a selection of Kiehl’s skin, hair and body products in convenient and oh-so-darling travel sizes, a Lomo, the official 2004 Circuit Party Map and a bottle of M.A.C nail enamel. If the particular color in your box isn’t to your liking, just trade with someone else! Kicky!
“Okay, then, well, wasn’t Mr. Smith’s presentation positively frightening? Honestly, I felt as if I were sitting in LBJ’s living room listening to him spout laconic bromides about why we have to fight communism. One would think that one’s very life depended on what one did this very moment! And let’s not forget Ms. La… excuse me, Mrs. Lackey’s additional warnings of dire deed just a moment ago. I’m sure you’re all shaking in your Miu Mius worried half to death that the wrong decision today spells gloom and doom for you later onjust like every other facet of High School life.
“To ease your mind a bit, let me state that I could care less whether you decide to be gay or boring… I mean straight, oopsie! Our position is that it really doesn’t matter what you are or who turns you on or how big your di… Well, maybe there are a few things we care about deeply, but your sexual orientation is not among them. Maybe we’ve suffered from a lack of numbers as a result, but frankly we’d much rather have a few stylish, interesting, beautiful and fun-loving groovies than a passle of boring, doltish, brain-numbed also-rans. That’s not to say that every heterosexual is a dullard, quite the opposite. I have plenty of non-gay friends and they’re all lovely, if a bit confused.
“Be that as it may, I’m not going to stand up here looking dashing and handsome and somewhat amused and tell you there are no drawbacks to choosing Gay. Number one, you take on an awesome responsibility. You will have to steer the style and culture of civilization. Yes, the straight world is all about the building of houses and the laying of carpet and the making of babies, but whom do you think designed that house? Who is selecting that carpet to go with that sectional? Who’s dictating that jeans should be worn low-slung and pumps should be high and shiny and hair that’s messy is all the trend?
“That’s right, kids, it ain’t the football coach… though it may be the wrestling coach. I mean, please, have you seen those lace-up shorts on that man? Ouch.
“Also, being gay means you’ll be the target of much jealous derision. I won’t lie to you. Why just today as I was walking to this very presentation, a complete stranger came up to me and said “How can you possibly wear those leather pants with that shirt? And please tell me you didn’t pay money for those boots!” And what could I do but point out his rather unfortunate choice of facial hair, rendering him a look not unlike Genghis Khan at a Laura Petrie Tupperwear party. And don’t get me started on his footwear! Jesus God, if man was meant to wear socks with slides then let him not be cursed with plaid!
“But it’s not all cankers and orange juice! There are certainly positive aspects to choosing the Gay lifestyle. For example, it’s easier to share clothes with your significant other, not that this will reduce your overall wardrobe budget, mind you, but it’s nice to know there’s always an extra pair of clean underwear available, assuming you decide to wear underwear.
“Plus, let’s not forget the vast array of sex toys that it’s nearly impossible to live this life without. Oh, certainly you may think that your nighttime athletics don’t need the occasional well-lubed latex plaything to help you along, but let me use a cliché just this once and advise you not to knock said suggestion until you have taken that horse around the far curve a couple of times.
“And to put any unfounded fears at rest, you may be worried that only the heteros have access to kids, but that’s not true. In addition to having the peace of mind that comes from selecting the sperm or egg you want to use to bring your screaming bundle of wetness into the worldwhat good is having a network of equally hetero-challenged friends if you can’t use their unused bodily fluids, anywayyou also have a wide range of four-legged alternatives to choose from… and they’re easier to feed and clothe and won’t resent you when you spend their college tuition on that Eames lounger you saw in the window of the retro-classic furniture store in the gay ghetto you find yourself living in. You know the area? With the shoe store and the wine bar and the plethora of two-seat sports cars parked along the street?
“I can see that all this open talk of sex and lubrication and lack of underwear has our principal all in a tizzy, so before I am foreably yanked from the podium like some liberal Senate candidate suggesting that free speech even extends to the hallowed halls of learning, let me leave you with a story, because nothing illustrates a point like a bright light and/or the squatting down upon it, as it were.
“Once upon a time there was a land of people who believed that everything was this way, or that way. Everything was black, or it was white. Everything was good, or it was evil. The whole delicious gray palette which goes so good with orange or navy blue or particularly with a vibrant blood red, well, they just couldn’t tolerate the thought of it. Made things very messy, you know. Not at all neat and clean. And besides, if your opinion differs from mine, then clearly we cannot both be right, so one of us must be wrong.
“So it came to pass that The Book of Reasons was written. Into this book was set all the reasons for why one thing was obviously wrong, proving that its opposite must surely be right. Reasons were set down into its pages for everything that was wrong with the land, and in particular with some of its people. The Reasons were decided upon by a majority and then broadcast far and wide, so that all might know how to be right and what was wrong and to never confuse the one with the other.
“Yes, Mrs. Lackey, I can see you checking your Timex. One would think the way your wrist has turned green from that Spiedel atrocity that… oh, never mind. I am nearly done. Stop tapping your little Payless Shoe Source toe and we’ll all be happier.
“Where was I? Ah, yes, a comment on small-mindedness and the American Way. Ahem. The Book, quite naturally, became a guide to everything in life, and not merely the things that were in it. Because if this was true, and this other thing was true, then obviously the third related thing would be true as well. So it wasn’t long before not only were the Reasons listed used for definitions of what was right and what was wrong, but so were reasons that were not listed. Soon, everything was deemed right or wrong, whether or not the Book ever said anything at all about it.
“Now, in this land, everything was either right or wrong. There was no in-between. There was nothing that was neither right nor wrong, but simply was. The type of tree one had in one’s front yard. One’s choice of soda pop. Whether one was right-handed… or wrong-handed.
“I pause here for dramatic effect.
“Then, I simply bow, and leave the stage, saying ‘Thank you,’ in a clear voice and smiling with the understanding that some of you understand, and some of you never will.”
June 23, 2003