Impalin’ Ourselves

Here’s the thing. So, okay, what the fuck is wrong with John McCain? The reason I ask is because it seems like this isn’t the guy I was used to seeing on The Daily Show joking around with Jon Stewart and yukking it up with Dave Letterman. This guy is like, whoa, what the fuck? I mean, I knew he was an angry old dude, that was always apparent, but it used to be that he had a sense of humor and was, you know, for a Republican, fairly level-headed.

I should say that for a Republican in this day and age when Republican equates with people who are more concerned that Jesus is happy that if everyone else actually living on the planet who aren’t Saviors was happy.

Now, I know perfectly well that there are sensible Republicans, because I know one or two, and there are sensible Christians as well, and it’s a shame that a small albeit boisterous minority has highjacked that political party because they realized that if they plugged in to the, shall we say, vehemently angry (who need someone or somthing to blame for anything they disagree with, and that tends to be abortion and the gays and flag burning and gay flag burners who are aborting and getting married and marrying gay abortions) who can be lured to the voting booths because they’re incensed, incensed I tell you, by the way modern American culture (that’s you and me, in case you were wondering) is going to hell, apparently literally, while the rest of us with a more lessez faire atttude about things in general, live and let live, whatever you do in your bedroom, all teaching is good, and so forth are in direct opposition to their opinions about sequestering us all in some ignorant, narrow-minded view of a world where we should live in fear of being judged by some powerful invisible all-knowing force who occasionally decides to destroy a city or trun people into salt or demand the death of a first-born or whatever (and those are His good qualities) but thinks using sex organs for something other than pumping out babies to pump out more babies in a never-ending cycle of procreation with no other end-goal as far as I know except to eventually die and go live with this judgmental egotist because he considers himself perfect and not you, you fornicating flag burning gay abortion!

Sorry, I’m on a jet flying to New York while I write this and I had to wake up at 4AM and I’m on my fourth cup of coffee.


Anyway, while we were cruising along earlier in this quadrennial election process, I knew it was too good to be true. I was thinking, you know, if McCain gets the office and we have him in charge would it really be so bad? It would be better, I think, if we managed to get someone in there who wasn’t a warmonger, of course, because I’m not about the mongering. Less mongering, I say, and more abortions! But the McCain I know and tolerated, the old geezer with the ready wit and the twinkly grandpa eyes gradually was becoming someone else, someone who was doing and saying anthing he could to get his party’s nomination, someone who switched course and mouthed platitudes and started sounding like every other Republican around Washington. And I started growing forlorn because it was becoming clearer and clearer that the moderate on Jay Leno’s couch was crawling into bed with the Jesus people.

Then came Palin. Goveror Sarah Palin. Never heard of her, of course, and why should I have? I can’t name anyone’s governor except mine, and that’s only because he’s a majot celebrity and is married to a skeleton, which is both weird and cool. McCain isn’t a governor, but he is married to some kind of harlot or something, or so I’ve been informed. Homewrecker kind of a girl. Married her so quickly after his divorce that, wink wink, maybe they “knew” each other even before they were married, but that’s all hearsay and conjecture and sometimes love works in mysterious ways, but enough about gay marriage.

I immediately thought — no, in fact as I recall, I said it out loud when it was announced that he’d picked some inexperienced hot lady governor that he was going for the Hillary vote, and then there was the no abortion talk and the Down Syndrome child and she just will keep haing every baby she can, ding dang it, and I thought, oh, okay, perfect, now he can grab the Hillary vote and get the concerned evangelicals too! It’s a political masterstroke and who the hell cares if she’s qualified to run the local PTA (she probably is, I’ve never been to a PTA meeting and in my head I imagine it’s a lot of cookies and streamers and soapbox derby trophies and not a lot of Parent Teacher discussion since it seems like everyone wants to yank their kids out of public school and teach them at home where they turn into these weird Zombie children who have no idea how to interact with anyone because, ooh, scary, and what’s sex, anyway and I’m gonna grow up to be a shut-in until I learn how to use a gun) because she’s a she and she “talks plain talk” as if that’s a great thing to have going for you sitting around a table with the other heads of state who, one presumes, have actually visited other countries rather than stare at them in paranoia from one’s front porch.

Sarah Palin is the scariest thing I have ever seen. This is like some horrid “Left Behind” book, you know, early in the story where no one’s yet aware that the rapture is nigh but odd things are taking place and some horrible chain of seemingly unrelated events is leading up to nuclear (or is it nucular?) annihilation because the country, lulled into somnabulent fearful drooling over a candidate who never talks to the press and marches around in her political gatherings drumming up fear and loathing and didn’t Stephen King write about this already? Is a plague coming? Do I have to sleep with Molly Ringwald to repopulate the Earth? I suppose there are worse things than that.

Oh my God, Virgin America has some fucking tasty coffee!

On the one hand it’s easy to be in hate with Mrs. Palin and the “first dude,” who may be even scarier than her, if that’s posible, only we’ll never know or maybe we will when it’s too late and he’s the Cheney behind the Bush pulling her strings (ooh, baby!) and succeeding finally in his dearest wish to make the country implode leaving only Alaska and what the hell is going on up there, anyway? Is that the new survivalist Unibomber frontier? Is that where the crazies go who love America so much that they have to destroy it? Are they stockpiling oil and natural gas for the rapture, and why would they need to do that if they’re all going up to heaven anyway?
I’m actually kind of scared in my heart and soul that the following plausible scenario will occur:

  1. Obama supporters, overly confident and slightly smug decide to stay home on election day because, after all, he’s ahead in the polls and who, in their right mind, would want four more years of a Republican agenda to systematically destroy the country, haul us into the poor house, make us hated by our former allies and drag the value of the once-proud dollar further into the toilet?
  2. The McCain/Palin ticket is elected by the slimmest of margins, curiously enough the swing states that use electronic voting all go Republican.
  3. The day after the inauguration, McCain dies from a severe cold he got while giving his acceptance speech.
  4. President Sarah Palin names Todd Palin as her Vice President.
  5. Three Supreme Court judges die or retire. Palin moves her candidates in quickly because it’s “a judicial emergency thinger” and Congress, as usual, caves.
  6. The new Supreme Court somehow manaages to declare the entire Constitution unconstitutional and the legisative branch is disbanded.
  7. Sarah steps down and Todd declares himself Emporer of America.

See? See how easy it is? Because if the current financial crisis proves anything, it’s that no one has any clue about what’s happening until it’s too late even though the signs were there all along and the people in charge are too scared to do anything about it in case they get blamed and lose their cushy do-nothing jobs and have to go back home and figure out exactly what they’re going to do for a living now that they’re not qualified to do anything except ruin the global economy and whine that it’s someone else’s fault.

Well, Mr. Battery meter is in the red and telling me it’s time to wrap things up and get another cup o’ Joe, so in conclusion, if you’re thinking your vote isn’t important and you’re not going to be able to justle your complacent butt from that couch and get to your polling place and fucking stop the madness, I would like to insert two words as your mantra until election day so you’ll remember what the fuck you were trying to remember what it was you were supposed to be doing on November 3rd.

Emperor Palin.

October 21, 2008

2 responses to Impalin’ Ourselves

  1. Mark Johnson said:

    Holy christ, that was an amazing string of run-ons. Amen, brother!

  2. contradiction said:

    “emperor”, dear.
    Also, weren’t you the one who refused to vote for some reasons I
    forget now?

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