I Will Marry You

Here in California, we’re fooling around with something called Proposition 8. The original petition to get the proposed legislation on our ballot said this:

LIMIT ON MARRIAGE. CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. Amends the California Constitution to provide that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California. Summary of estimate by Legislative Analyst and Director of Finance of fiscal impact on state and local government: The measure would have no fiscal effect on state or local governments. This is because there would be no change to the manner in which marriages are currently recognized by the state.

After they (they being the people who are for some reason frightened of hoards of married homosexuals storming the gates of heaven, or something) had gathered more than enough signatures (in some cases, paid for) our Attorney General, Jerry Brown, amended the amendment and now it’ll read like this on the actual ballot:

ELIMINATES RIGHT OF SAME-SEX COUPLES TO MARRY. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. Changes the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in California. Provides that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California. Fiscal Impact: Over next few years, potential revenue loss, mainly sales taxes, totaling in the several tens of millions of dollars, to state and local governments. In the long run, likely little fiscal impact on state and local governments.

There are still some legal battles being bandied about concerning that language, as you might imagine, but no matter how the election turns out, for the time being (and irreversibly) men who love other man and women who love other women can currently run to city hall and get a certificate of marriage and be legally, for now and ever more, married in the state of California.
Now, I suppose I could get on the phone and drum up support and make people aware of the issue and do my part as a good fag to make sure we don’t have some legal rights stripped away, but who has the time? And I rather think that everyone already knows where they stand on the issue and those on either side who feel it’s important will get into the booth and pull the lever of their own choice — plus there are larger concerns in this particular election than marriage rights, at least from my perspective.

At any rate, I’ve decided that the best I can do at this stage is, while it’s legal and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, to marry as many gay couples as I can. I have therefore become ordained as a minister in the Universal Life Church and, as The Reverend Lance Arthur, I am now able to stand up in front of whatever congregation or gathering of friends in the state of California and pronounce you husband and husband or wife and wife, or partner to partner or whatever phrase you want to use to seal your communion in the vows of holy matrimony.
That’s right! I will marry you. Are you going to get married? Looking for someone with credentials and a like-minded attitude about how fucked up things are in general but all he does is whine about it on a blog? I am that man!

I feel like it’s my duty as a homosexual to get as many other homosexuals into a marriage as I possibly can. I own my own suit (though lately it fits a might tightly) or I can appear in some expensive jeans and a pair of Prada Sports, as the mood might hit you. I’ll say anything you want me to say. Believe me, I don’t have any boundaries as far as words are concerned. If you’re gearing up for a nude wedding, I’d probably suggest someone a bit younger and more in shape than I, but hell, if that’s your preference than I’ll be there for you.

I’m freshly ordained (just today, in fact!) and according to everything I read on the web site there’s really nothing more to it than that. God’ll be there anyway, right? He’s everywhere! Or She, as you prefer. And all you really need is your significant other and to be surrounded by the friends, relations and rich relatives who can fill up your registry with all the Williams Sonoma and Pottery Barn you can stand.

Here’s to gay marriage! Now let’s do this sucker!

August 14, 2008

4 responses to I Will Marry You

  1. Mark Johnson said:

    Now I have you to marry me, I just have to find someone to marry. (That’s deliberately ambiguous.)

  2. Laurie said:

    If you want to be a little less extreme than marrying people all willy-nilly, you might also check out http://stop8.org — all you have to do is post a Flickr photo of yourself holding a sign, or a video.

  3. Alexis said:

    Genius and beautiful.

  4. Sara said:

    If i weren’t already a girl married to a boy i’d go out and find me another girl to get married to just to have you perform the ceremony! Yes, i’m a fan. :)

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