Terror Air

After washing my hair this morning, and setting the 16oz bottle back on the wire rack housing my myriad bathing products, I was reminded of the trouble Robert had, once again, when trying to get through security so he could board a 1-hour flight from Los Angeles to San Francisco. He had taken with him a jar of hair gel containing a smidgen of said product and a tube of Kiehl’s face moisturizer, both of which had passed muster here in San Francisco where, one must assume, the TSA agents are familiar with and forgiving towards a man’s need for grooming accessories.

LAX, however, was another story. The surly, self-involved, obnoxious security agent there refused to allow Robert to return home with his half-used goods, and made him dump them in the trash or “check them through.” Me, given enough time before my flight, I would have left the line and gone back to the check-in counter and handed them those two bottles to check as luggage, just because I am both annoyed at this continual process of stripping away my dignity and the wholesale, baseless rules that stem from singular and unlikely situations involving not-me.

So I think the market is ready for a new airline that caters to people like me, who are more than willing to place their own lives in jeopardy as long as we can get on board our flights without being subjected to shakedowns and feel-ups.

Terror Air will allow anyone to get on board the plane without removing their shoes. They can take the toiletries they need with them without having every bottle weighed and measured. They can bring lighters on board. They can bring bottles of any beverage they want, whether they bought them in the airport terminal or had the audacity to bring them from the outside world. Check-in’s are handled quickly and efficiently. No, you don’t have to remove your laptop from its case. No, you don’t have to take your belt off. No, you don’t have to empty your pockets.

Sure, the chances that a terrorist intent on blowing up a plane are likely to multiply if given the option of using an airline whose concern for its passenger’s comfort and convenience outweigh its concern for a possible terrorist’s seating assignment, but the odds are in your favor!

And wouldn’t it be nice to go to the airport and not be treated as a terrorist — even if you are one?

September 20, 2007

4 responses to Terror Air

  1. monkeyinabox said:

    Make sure you pass out baseball bats as well on Terror Airlines. 😉

  2. Nate Silva said:

    I’m curious…would folks flying with Terror Air also be able to (when occasion calls) board their plane scheduled to leave at 10:30am if they arrive at the gate at 10:28am? Or would Terror Air (like all the rest) simply give the seat (that you’ve paid for previously) away to so other yahoo that is trying to grab any seat that they can get for cheap on standby?
    With the way my schedule can be at times, I would love to pay a bit extra for the peace of mind that would come from knowing that if I make it to my gate by the stroke of the last second, I can rest from my spirint for the gate in the seat that I purchased in the first place.
    I figured I would ask, since I would also love to be a regular patron of the “airline for the rest of us.”

  3. Nick said:

    Sign me up for Terror Air. Today I was asked to participate in a survey about designing a better economy class seat. One of the questions was if I wanted an in-flight entertainment system. Here’s my reply.
    “This is going to be a bit of a rant (and probably not useful for your project!) but I think this goes way beyond designing a seat. I couldn’t care less for a built-in audio or video system if airlines would stop making such a fuss about me using my iPod. I mean, sorry, if you could really bring down a plane with an iPod, they would be banned, just like, uh, toothpaste, bottled water and other such dangerous things. So let’s stop the theatre.
    I wish airlines would accept that personal electronic devices (iPod, laptops with DVD drives, etc.) are how people consume their entertainment these days when they are on the move. Some of them may indeed be shoddily designed and emit much more radio signals than they ought to — but then the solution is to have them tested and certified. I am sure Apple would happily comply with some FAA testing if they could advertise their iPods and laptops as ‘safe to be used even during takeoff and landing’.”

  4. Osama said:

    Finally, an airline where i can sell my in-flight chainsaws.

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