Oscars = Boring
I think I am becoming less gay because I could hardly bring myself to watch the Academy Awards last night. It doesn’t help that I have been hopelessly out of touch with the movies this (last) year and still haven’t seen “The Queen” or “Children of Men” or anyone’s labyrinth. As it is, I totally forgot they were even on until I watched Sunday Morning on CBS and they told me they’d be on ABC that night, which is kind of them but also stupid. If I were CBS, I’d totally ignore the Oscars like everyone else.
What I did see (I came in right about when Foreign Language films were being presented and totally missed Jack Black and Co. doing something musical) was dullsville to the extreme. Ellen was wrong to host it, they need to resurrect Bob Hope, whose jokes were stale but his tux was always immaculate. Everybody talks about Billy Crystal being the ultimate host, but that’s only because his opening montage kicks ass. Otherwise, meh. Ellen’s whole schtick about it being one big friendly family and vacuuming around Meryl Streep’s feet fell flat, not because it was unbelievable but because we never want to see a vacuum cleaner anywhere around these people! We want them always in $12,000 gowns and ill-fitting “rad” tuxedos without ties and horribly, horribly bald.
Jack. What was that? You look stupid. Grow it back. K-Fed isn’t trying to drug test your locks.
I was glad that Scorsese won, even though I’m not a big fan of his films in general. I think they look beautiful but the whole “life is sure hard, even when you’re as rich as Howard Hughes” thing got old for me long before DeNiro became his own parody. I was sort of hoping he’d lose again so the whole crowd could fake clap for someone else, maybe that Mexican guy so they could all secretly hate Mexicans some more.
Frankly, I’m not sure they could make the Oscars interesting or fun anymore. There used to be some mystery and intrigue about Hollywood, but the super-saturation of stories, pictures and videos of every star’s move, no matter how insignificant they or their moves are, has diminished the whole mess. They name their children after fruit, they cheat on their spouses with their co-stars, they travel to Africa to draw attention to the plight and their next movie and so on and so forth until I’m totally sick of it all.
What the Oscars needs to be is a 2-hour telecast that loses all the jokey intros and the endless, repetitive tributes and allows the winners to meander on and on and on and be as religious or political or stupid as possible. Remember those days? Marlon Brando’s native American chick? Richard Gere’s Tibetan rant? Warren Beatty’s, well, anything really. That’s what needs bringing back, not this glamour shit — or Ellen’s lack thereof.
I also think that at least one movie nominated for Best Picture needs to be that year’s summer blockbuster. Money, in case they’ve forgotten, is the only thing that matters in Hollywood — otherwise, why would they all be protecting their little copyrights so fiercely? Art, schmart, it’s the holy dollar that they all bow down before, so Pirates of the Caribbean Part 17 should be up there along with The Betrothal and Queen Idi Amin and… wow, I’ve already forgotten what films were even nominated.
But in the old day (like, the 80’s) I remember before I was an arthouse film snob that I used to pull for my favorite movies to win. They’d always nominate some dumb, slow, pretentious dramas along with, like, “Star Wars,” and “Star Wars” would never win, but I always had hope that this year would be different. Rocky won one year and my friend Karen, who loved, loved, loved Sly Stallone, called me up all screaming and happy and felt some vindication for all the time she spent pouring her heart into loving that big, stupid lummox. I mean, really, who out there gets a hard-on for Marty Scorsese?
The Oscars need an overhaul. Next year, I want to see the rules changed. They have to include 2007’s biggest financially successful film as a Best Picture nominee regardless of its actual quality. These are the films people really expect out of Hollywood! These are the films the studios make again and again, and these are the films that make us want to go to theatres to see them, instead of renting them on DVD and popping our own corn.
I also want some new and different categories. Biggest failure springs to mind. You know you’d tune in to see who Hollywood gifted that one to. And can you imagine the acceptance speech? It’s still an Oscar after all, “Hollywood’s Biggest Honor.” Only this one has the phrase “You Majorly Suck” attached to it. Awesome.
And all those technical awards. Frankly, if you have to explain them to me, I don’t care. What. Ever. Rename them. Sound design? “Loudest Movie.” Best Editing? “Most Erratic Film to Watch.” Best Adapted Screenplay? “Stuff We Remade Because We’re Out of Original Ideas.”
And we absolutely need to keep the red carpet, but I say integrate it into the ceremony. Have Joan Rivers stop the winners on the way to their acceptance speeches and berate them about how awful they look. Kirsten “Dunce”? No one ever had a more fitting last name. And get the hunky dudes to take off their jackets to show off the linings. Make jacket linings the new colorful tie. And any man showing up in anything other than black should be shot dead where he stands.
Finally, fix that gaggingly awful voiceover that happens while the winner is walking up from the audience. “This is Helen Mirren’s first Academy Award nomination.” Like anyone cares. “Hellen Mirren rarely wears underpants. Her favorite hobbies are sado-masochistic croquet and shaving Barbies. She admits to once inserting a bottle of Pepto Bismal into her husband’s nether regions ‘for fun’!” See? Who wouldn’t sit still for that kind of information?
The Oscars aren’t dead, yet. They just need some tweaking.
February 26, 2007