The Unofficial Gay Test for Men

On occasion, but rarely, I am contacted by some forlorn, confused and possibly distraught man with a common question. Perhaps it is the new, all-gay format of this web page that prompts them to write to me, or maybe it is my good looks, wry wit and unceasing devotion to romance. I like to think it is the latter, plus they’re hot for me and it’s their way of initiating a polite come-on.

The question is, succinctly, “Am I gay?” It is normally prefaced with some rather obtuse and, I assume, unintentionally insulting explanation about feeling odd and weird and wrong and so forth, which is not unusual given the cultural climate and the drive by certain forces to frame the homosexual as someone who made a “wrong decision,” and is “succumbing to sinful ways,” and other such nonsense.

I am far from an expert on such matters. If you were to use one word to sum up my life, it would be Latebloomer. I came out in my 30’s, I didn’t really date anyone of my own sex until recently, and I would not be the person one would pick out of a line-up as the guy most likely to appear on a float in a Pride Parade wearing leather chaps and dancing to Cher.

Be that as it may, I have accepted the challenge that my high-profile on-line gaydom affords me and will attempt, in this article, to help satisfy those questions that may be haunting you in the dark of night as you lie sweating between your sheets thinking about why you’re feeling particularly excited about that guy you saw standing in line at Starbuck’s with the arms that, gee, do they really get that big?

First, a short series of questions to ask yourself. Score one (1) for each Yes answer, and zero (0) for each No.

  1. Have you ever wondered what Johnny Depp tastes like?
  2. Have you ever actually read Playboy for the articles?
  3. When buying underwear, do you consider “ass fit?”
  4. When watching the bar scene in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, are you thinking to yourself, “I wonder what Luke Wilson looks like naked”?
  5. Do you have more than three different hair grooming products, i.e. mousse, wax, paste and gel? (The same type of product by three different manufacturers doesn’t count.)

If you scored 3 or more, start sweating.

Next, the sex thing. Heterosexuals and homophobes usually zero in on this aspect immediately when they need to define what it is they find objectionable about homosexuality. It’s the sex. It’s the “hey, how come they get to do things with their bodies that we can’t?” jealousy rearing its little green head again. Or big green head, as the case may be.

It’s the “I just cannot understand how one man can look at another man’s ass and find that appealing” sort of a thing. It’s the “now, don’t get me wrong, watching two chicks get it on with each other is hot, hot, hot, but it’s when they both look like truckers that I have to draw the line” deal.

I’ve seen studies that suggest that homophobes are deeply closeted fags who are so fearful of their own secret drives and desires and what society will judge of them that they want to destroy anyone who brings out those drives and desires rather than just take the steering wheel and press on the gas and see where that road takes them. So they target and harrass and/or beat the shit out of openly homosexual individuals as a way of A) proving that they’re “manly” and “macho” and that beating up on gay men is a way of proving they are not themselves gay because, I guess, everyone around them constantly questions their sexuality or something, and B) allowing them to destroy physically something they’d like to destroy psychologically but they can’t because it’s not a choice or a lifestyle or anything like that, it’s just another part of who they are but they really, really hate that.

So, you’re probably gay if:

  • You fantasize about someone who is the same sex as you are when you are playing with your own asshole in the shower.
  • You play with your own asshole in the shower.
  • You are already very, very, intimately familiar with your nipples.
  • You wish your girlfriend would grow a beard.
  • You wish your girlfriend would grow a penis.
  • That guy at the gym is oddly appealing, in a “I want to fuck that guy at the gym” sort of a way.

I should point out about now, although it is probably too late, that buttsex is by no means a do-or-die proposition for gay men. You may wish to believe that gay men go home at night and do nothing but engage in hot buttsex with each other, but I can tell you from firsthand (ahem) experience that this is just not so. Buttsex appeals to some men more than others, and some men prefer one position over another, and some men like both. Some men, on the other hand (ahem) don’t enjoy buttsex all that much for one reason or another of their own concern and they still find plenty of sexual satisfaction in a variety of other non-vaginal, non-anal methods, most of which I’m sure that you’ve delved into whether you prefer the mens or the womens — or both.

Which brings me to my next topic of conversation, the bisexual. Or as I prefer to call them, the unfairly advantaged.

We tend, in this country, to want sex (among other topics) to be black and white, either/or, one thing or the other. Speaking personally, I swing way over toward the gay side of the Kinsey scale. I have never been with a woman, perhaps because I’ve never been drunk enough to. For that matter, I’ve been with very few men in a naked manner. My inner slut wears a chastity belt.

But don’t let my relative inexperience and floundering awkwardness in the sack lead you to believe that I disapprove of whatever it is you’re doing, or contemplating doing, that turns you on. Frankly, I wish I was having a lot more sex than I am, but I tend toward the romantic and passionate forms of the act rather than the throw-down and get sweaty for an hour or so after contacting some anonymous dude in an online chat room based on a mutual interest in each others’ three-year-old shirtless photos, and I’m just way too picky and somewhat conventional to be attracted to that sort of semi-anonymous play.

You, on the other hand, are a horndog. I believe this to be true based solely on my own unscientific observation of the male animal. Men are sex pigs. Men want sex constantly. Even if a man doesn’t look like he currently wants sex, if you ask him if he does, he’ll say yes 9 out of 10 times. But you’ll only have to ask him once, so getting to that tenth time will really take some initiative on your part.

But I was going to talk about bisexuals, wasn’t I?

Bisexuals apparently find everything sexually exciting. I mean, I find women attractive, certainly, and I do like looking at breasts which I can’t quite account for other than maybe for some childhood issues around breast-feeding and/or a certain confusing adolescent attraction to Linda Carter as Wonder Woman. But whatever, if you’re finding that both men and women are of a certain interest to your libido from time to time, you may not be gay, per se, but something in-between.

For whatever reason, bisexuality is a more welcome prospect than strict homosexuality in American culture. Probably it’s because you could still be swayed from The Dark Side and turn back to the way God intended sex to be — between two consenting adults of opposite sexes strictly for the purposes of making more consenting adults in an endless, fun-free cycle of fornication for reproductive reasons.

Which, I think we can both agree, is hella boring.

Nonetheless, how do you know if you’re bisexual?

  • When you’re watching re-runs of the Hawaii episodes of The Brady Bunch, you’re getting an erection whether Greg or Marcia is on the screen.
  • While watching straight porn, you’re paying just as much attention to the big-dicked whore as you are to the big-boobed whore.
  • Your fantasy of a three-way doesn’t involve you and two other women.
  • There’s something attractive about Martina Navratilova, but you’re not sure what it is.
  • You’re pretty sure you’re gay, but then there’s that cute girl behind the Starbuck’s counter who smiles at you all the time.
  • Angelina Jolie doesn’t count — everyone wants to fuck Angelina Jolie.

Okay, having handled that little dilemma, let’s swing back to the strictly homo side of sexual preference and bring some closure to your panic attack.
By now, I’m sure you have a clearer picture than you did before concerning what constitutes male homosexual behavior. If you’ve determined that you do fall into the gay category, what’s your next step?

After all I’ve said about men being pigs and wanting sex all the time that one could simply post one’s picture and desires to any one of the myriad online web site dedicated to getting one horny bastard to connect with another horny bastard of similar tastes and suddenly a flood of offers would come pouring in to your in-box replete with foul, disgusting, incredibly detailed offers of what any one of a number of other like-minded gentlemen would like to do with or to you in the next 20 minutes or so, assuming you can work out who’s going where and what happens next. And if that’s what you believe, you’d be 100% correct.

The online gay connection network, comprised of sites like,,,, as well as fetish sites if your tastes are more narrowly defined, provide an endless supply of potential rendevous Randys who are ready, willing and able to drop by and drop trou literally any time of the day or night. Regardless of what you look like or what you’re into or how long you have left to stay in your hotel room before check-out, you’re virtually guaranteed to be able to hook-up with someone who’ll be willing to meet your meat without so much as a “How do you do?”

It’s usually more like “How do you do it?” And inexperience is no concern at all. Frankly, straight guys and “curious” fellows are a huge turn-on to a lot of gay guys, and if you can truthfully label yourself a virgin, you’ll have to beat them off with a stick.

In some ways, men really are all alike.

If you’re still on the fence about whether or not you’re queer as a $3 bill, consider the following: Having a relationship with another man (not just relations, a relationship) is frought with just as many landmines, emotional scars, horror stories, heartbreaks and nightmares as a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. If you think you’re going to spare yourself some emotional wreckage by switching sides and that a man will forgive your indiscretions any faster or easier than a woman would, you may as well stay hetero. Sure, we’ve invented lots of weird “open” relationships wherein partners have tenuous agreements to play around on the side as long as A) you only play with the same guy once or B) you only play around when you’re out of town or C) you have to play in threesomes or D) make up your own silly rules about being untrue to your true love.

Now that we’ve established whether or not you’re a pillow-biting, fudge-packing, cocksucking faggot, it’s time for you to take that decision with you out into the world and face all the derision, fear, jealousy, idolatry and worship that comes with being a homosexual in a heterosexual world. Have fun, play safe, and for God’s sakes buy some nice shoes.

November 30, 2005

15 responses to The Unofficial Gay Test for Men

  1. “…whether or not your a pillow-biting, fudge-packing, cocksucking faggot…”
    Ooo, such horrible abuse of the English language! You meant, of course, “whether or not YOU’RE a pillow-biting, fudge-packing, cocksucking faggot”.

  2. Arcterex said:

    Awesome write man, thanks. Especially loved the part about angelina jolie 🙂

  3. Jamie said:

    So wanting to fuck Angelina DOESN’T make me bi? Damn. Now what I’m I gonna do with this pickup truck and doberman?

  4. Sushil said:

    “My inner slut wears a chastity belt”
    hilarious !
    Cheers from Mumbai

  5. Mark said:

    A woman can be beautiful from the hips up and from the thighs down, but every time I flash back to adolescent memories of looking at my older brother’s Hustler magazines, the pictures therein usually showing a woman’s meat curtains, I shudder at how unappealing is a woman’s box. It is then I fall to my knees and thank the deity of one’s choosing that I have the excellent fortune of being attracted to a strong, masculine presence with a huge, throbbing cock. Mmmmmmm……cock!

  6. Jeffrey said:

    All I think about is sucking a big hard cock and then all that wonderful cum all over my face. I love sucking cock.
    I love a big throbbing hard on. I love cock. I wish I was sucking one right now.

  7. Jeffrey said:

    I forgot to add, awesome site. I am a late bloomer too. Better late than never. I also forgot to add I love it up the ass. I don’t know which is better, there both so good.

  8. Tracy said:

    Love your site, Lance. You always make me laugh.

  9. Michael said:

    Very entertaining write. Do keep it up.

  10. What an incredibly entertaining post… and how true. My gay ex was constantly asking me to grow a beard and a penis. I should have known it wasn’t meant to last. But he had such good taste in shoes!

  11. Bad Scooter said:

    A very well written piece. You’ve got me cracking up in no time. I would love to see more pussies on this article though. Oh my, I have said the P word. Anyway, as a self confessed homophobe, this article is god-sent. Keep it burning.

  12. Jeffrey said:

    Guys, don’t be ashamed you like sucking cock. I was till I accepted the fact that dick tastes so good, and that the taste of that sweet cum at the end made it so good. So here’s to big hard throbbing cocks, long may they cum.

  13. A., B., and J. said:

    “First off, I don’t think it’s trendier to be bisexual. Secondly, what’s with the jab at polyamory? Check out for more information. It’s more about romance than it is about sex.” -J. (bi woman)
    “You were extremely diplomatic about saying it’s okay for people to be slutty if that’s what they want to do, but you didn’t extend the same courtesy to people who want to have romantic relationships (and sex) with several people. Also, gender stereotypes are silly.” -A. (bi woman)
    “I thought it was funny as hell, but I have to admit they’ve got a point.” – B. (bi man)

  14. Jeffrey said:

    What’s better than sucking cock? ‘There’s nothing like wrapping your lips around a big hard throbbing cock. I love sucking cock and the best is when he lets go of alll his cum.. For Christmas I want two men, one up my tight light ass and the other in my hungrey mouth.

  15. Devin Jones said:

    Now what does it mean if you get an erection while reading your column? Does that mean I’m gay or is it the fact that I enjoy hot hard men that makes me gay? Is the fact that I also have sex with women (but often times think how hot it would be to be sucking a cock right now or be in the middle of a MMF sandwhich :0) make me bi? I’m glad you gave a pass on the Jolie thing as I have always questioned why I want to fuck her so bad even though I don’t really like her or her movies!
    You rock! I’ll be sure to return!