Category archives: Personal Narrative

Dear Loud Obnoxious Cell Phone Girl Sitting on CalTrain in the Seat in Front of Me

Do you, like, know, like, how annoying it is to, like, listen to you, like, talk so loudly on your, like, cell phone and go on and on about, like, that video shoot? You know? And, like, okay, so, like,… continue reading »

Life Serialized

Anyway… For those of you who have a hankering for nostalgia and the Web That Was, or if you’re simply new to my blathering and are wondering how long I have been doing it and whether or not past prognostications… continue reading »

The Sitting Alone and Laughing Thing

I am just returned from a late morning breakfast at a local crepery — and what is it with all the creperies in San Francisco anyway? Who said we were all starving for crepes? — where I was sitting at… continue reading »

Your Hose and Faucet

I’m contemplating all this while picturing her going Postal, pulling out a shiv and plunging into my back, between my shoulders, as I stand at my kitchen sink trying feverishly to wash her fruit off while she screams “No! No! With your hose and faucet! Use your hose and faucet!” and I am sweating and shaking and say, quietly, “Is that a euphemism for something? Is this sexual?” “Your hose and faucet! Your hose and faucet!”
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Email Heart Attack

Opening my inbox this morning, I was greeted with the following subject line in a message from our good friendsthe annoying pests at Classmates.com: Time for the West High School Class of 1980 25-Year Reunion, Lance! Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck… continue reading »

All the Street People

“Hey! Hey!” She calls out loudly behind me. I am intent on looking at the Asian women’s shoes, which are remarkably ugly. “Hey, isn’t that sick?”
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Jim’s Big Four-Oh

Anyway, I drank too much vodka, I flashed my privates at a tranny who wanted to see them, I tried to come on to one of my oldest friends and I woke up the next day feeling absolutely dreadful — so as far as I’m concerned the party was a fantastic success and I think everyone had a great time.
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Samaritan or Cynic?

As I walked up to the bank of ATMs, one of them was already beeping at me. There was another gentleman using the one to its left and I grabbed a deposit envelope and approached it. There in its money… continue reading »

Aside, in Passing, Like a Remark You Think You Heard, But Are Not Sure Of.

Just so you know, things are likely to occur more often and be shorter in length from here forward. Big Gulps* will be forthcoming on occasion, as before. I hope you will not be disappointed in me. *They cause headaches… continue reading »

No Shoes, No Service

I stood in the shower and let my seethingness unseethe. When I thought about that guy, I pictured Milton from “Office Space,” except this little mild-mannered greasy guy was concentrating all his attention on his shoes, even though they weren’t all that exceptional and I think my opening the locker door on them added to their character in the same way that a haircutter recently added to the character of my ear with his scissors.
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